Sex after Divorce: Some Questions To Ask
Did you get divorced and enter the dating scene for the first time after a long marriage? If a decade or two has passed since you last went out for a drink and had dinner with a stranger, you probably have many questions about when, how and if you will be sexually active again. Here are some things to consider:
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Am I ready to go out?
Our strongest impulse is to be deeply attached to another person. But after experiencing the loss of divorce, it is important to make sure you are emotional enough to associate with someone new. While preparation is measured subjectively, these questions can help you determine if your heart is ready to date: Has my self-esteem been repaired enough to make me feel worthy and desirable? Can I spend a pleasant evening without counting the miseries of my ex-partner? Am I prepared for a new rejection, in case this proves that it is simply a date and not the beginning of a relationship?
How do I feel having sex with someone new?
Some people consider dating after divorce an opportunity to explore the variety of sexual partners now available to them. In these situations, the only prerequisite for sex may be that both parties are attractive (and possibly convenient). Even if the sex is good, there is no promise that the person wants to see you again.
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Take some time to consider your own feelings about sex. Do you want to have sex simply for pleasure or does it have a deeper meaning for you? If having sex means that you start caring for the person and expect that in return, you should wait until it is well established.
Also, keep in mind that “sex” does not have to mean real sex. They can be delicious touches of joke, external course (touching and rubbing completely dressed), or an erotic massage, or it can mean sex and telephone.
What would it need to make me feel safe in a sexual encounter?
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While everyone will answer this question differently, at least, you should consider whether you have enough information about your date to make sure they are who they say they are. You may want to wait to have sex for several dates to get enough information to make you feel comfortable. In addition, both couples must be clear about their consent to have sex.
You should also consider sexual health: Have you discussed with your date your health history of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as your own disclosure? Are you willing to use a condom? A condom is an absolute necessity today, since, unfortunately, sometimes people lie about their conditions or do not know that they are carriers of an STD.
Do I think early sex in relationships is hot or not?
Sometimes, very early sex in a relationship, sex is super hot, since we don’t care what that person thinks of us, we put aside our inhibitions and the result is fireworks. But not always. For many men, the anxiety of a first experience with a new partner causes premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. And for women, even those who normally have an orgasm easily, the first sexual contact with a new and unknown partner may mean that their arousal is less and orgasm does not exist.
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Fortunately or unfortunately, good or bad early sexual relations do not seem to have any relation to future sexual compatibility (although, certainly, a person who does not care about his pleasure should be ruled out).
Finally, keep in mind that good long-term sex is a function of being emotionally open, feeling safe to take erotic risks and knowing your own partner and body. These characteristics take time to grow.