Some things you should never say to your partnerDave Smith
Your spouse cannot “hear” what you throw out of anger, even if you apologize. Those hurtful words can work their way into the mind and heart of your spouse, creating mistrust and doubt. Attempts to repair the damage may not be successful, and repeated attacks will create an ever deeper gap between relationships you.
While seeing every word you say is not a way to have an open and loving relationships, it can be helpful to avoid five phrases that will inevitably harm your relationship:
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I want the divorce. Unless you really mean it, just don’t go there. Saying those words will undermine the connection between you. By staying true to their commitment to each other, they are more likely to get through the storm times together. Instead, tune into what you feel and express that. For example, you could say that you feel angry, furious, hurt, suspicious, or betrayed. Labeling these emotions expresses how you feel without attacking your spouse or your marriage.
I hate you. This phrase may imply a level of animosity towards the character of your spouse that has some staying power. Do you really hate, hate or hate your spouse? If so, then maybe it’s time to really consider divorce. If not, then don’t say it.
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A couple of slightly different versions of this are: “I never loved you”; and “I should never have married you”. These comments can make your spouse doubt your true feelings even after your momentary hostility passes.
Instead, pay attention to your emotions along with what is causing them. For example, you could say that you are angry or even furious with your spouse for, for example, ignoring your calls and text messages when you go out with friends. If you feel compelled to use the word hate, be sure to attach it to your spouse’s behavior instead of your spouse’s.
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You are (negative character trait). When you tag and attack your spouse’s character, you don’t allow the possibility of them changing. For example, think about what it means to call your spouse stupid, heartless, or worthless. When considering the latest insult, if your spouse really isn’t worth anything, then there is nothing of value they can offer you or your relationships.
Instead, talk about the behaviors that bother you. You could say that when they don’t do any household chores, he leaves too much on his plate and feels resentful. This allows the possibility for your spouse to change their behavior.
Never (positive action). When you say your spouse never does any behavior, you are probably discounting a time when he actually did it. This places them firmly in the “bad boy” field and is an invitation to discuss with you. It just isn’t a good way to encourage them to change relationships.
Similarly, it is problematic to say, “Always (critical),” as in “You always ignore me.” Instead, be specific about the problem and the change you would like to see while sharing your feelings. “When you spend every night of the week on the computer and you barely register my existence, I feel really hurt and loveless. That’s also why I’ve been so mad at you. If you talked or watched a movie with me at least a couple nights a week, I would feel like you loved me and I wouldn’t be so mad at you. ”
If you acknowledge that you use any of the above phrases, try making the suggested changes, and your spouse is more likely to actually listen to you. They will be much more likely to have a constructive conversation and ultimately feel happier together.