After Menopause: How Sex Is DifferentDave Smith
As most menopausal women could probably tell you, “change” is much more than what is physically happening. For many, it is a time of significant change in life: a time to decide between what was “good enough” before and what is absolutely necessary for the second half of life. And this also applies to sex. While previously in a woman’s life, sex may have been about attracting or pleasing a partner, without focusing much on herself, her attitudes about sex can be very different after menopause.
These are some of the things I hear from my menopausal clients about middle-aged sex: “It hurts.” Menopause means a reduction in hormones that keep the vagina flexible and moist. This fall in hormones also means that the body is not causing sex as it used to. But a woman still needs to have regular sex to help keep the vulva in shape. Sex should not hurt and getting help early will avoid complications. Women should consult their gynecologist about their unique risks and benefits for hormone replacement that can relieve. Desire is a complex function of what happens in the body, mind and relationships, so that physiotherapists, sex therapists and marriage counselors can also help.
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“For me to want sex, my partner has to respect me outside the room.” For most women, the quality of a committed relationship must be good to feel sexual desire. It is possible that the previous offers for a supplier-protector or a handsome-charming partner are not relevant after the wear of more or less twenty years. The philosopher Koestenbaum says: “Expect two marriages in each life, sometimes with the same person.” Couples often have to do a little renegotiation to advance their menopause.
“After 50, interest is sexy.” Certainly, someone who listens well remembers what we ask and tunes the nuances in a sexual moment, is an exciting lover. But curiosity about who we are at this age, even if we have known half of our lives, is also a powerful aphrodisiac. It is a question about our thoughts, opinions, history and passions. For example, menopausal, divorced or widowed women report a resurgence of desire when their new partners find them sexy and fascinating.
“I want mine too.” Fortunately, for many women, orgasm remains a powerful experience in middle age. And beyond that, they can enjoy the pleasure of excitement even as an independent pleasure: sensual pleasure such as brushing their hair, caressing each other, holding hands and lying together. More importantly, in middle age, women often do not apologize for insisting that sexual satisfaction is mutual. “I’m done worrying about my looks.” Menopause gives women the opportunity to leave behind their inhibitions and self-criticism. A very young 70-year-old client of mine said: “I’ve always loved sex; it’s where I feel most at home.” Her partner was dizzy from how beautiful she had been and what she still was. Any physical imperfection was eclipsed by its amazing joy in the experience.
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