How to Prepare Your Partner for Sexual IntimacyDave Smith
For duet, emotional connection and sexual intimacy are dynamically related, so difficulties in one area often destabilize the other. And the “chicken or egg” relationship between sex and emotional connection may be different for each couple. For some people, the desire to be sexual arises as a result of feeling emotionally connected. But for others, perhaps because of their stories, physiology and attachment styles (their particular love map), being sexual is how they find their way to emotional vulnerability.
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Often, in a relationship, a person seems to be designated as a sexual initiator, whether by tradition, culture, gender or perhaps because that couple’s preferred way of seeking attention is through touch, affection and sex. When a couple takes the initiative in the sexual act of the couple, they most often suffer from intimate rejection. Starting sex requires so much taking risks and revealing oneself in a primitive need, that having an ignored or rejected sexual offer can be especially painful. Research shows that a positive response contributes strongly to a happy marriage and that a critical or absent response can cause serious damage to the relationship.
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Every couple that starts sex expects a receptive and excited reaction from their lover. But sometimes the offer does not arrive at the right time or is not welcome given the mental state of a person or the state of the relationship. Fortunately, as long as we are honest, vulnerable and direct, we can refuse the offer without damaging our emotional attachment.
Here are three scenarios that illustrate a couple who rejects or ignores a sexual offer, along with some suggestions for handling the situation in a more conservative way of attachment:
After having lunch on a Sunday afternoon, William moves his eyebrows at his wife Lucy, suggesting them a “nap” while his children take a nap. Feeling stressed after cornering young children to go to church and have lunch, Lucy sighs and heads to the room.
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Lucy could have honestly leveled with William about her true needs while still honoring the spirit of progress: “Honey, I’m afraid I’m exhausted and I need my own quiet time to recover in the morning before I can get confused with you. Can we take a real nap and then will I cool off before tonight together? ”
Carol appears behind James after his afternoon shower while brushing his teeth and around his waist with his arms, saying, “My man is a sexy man!” While feeling desire for her, James is increasingly anxious about her occasional erectile dysfunction. . His anxiety comes out as an angry reply “Carol, you wait too long!” And comes out of his hug.
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James could have contained his anxiety, remained vulnerable and turned to his wife’s overture with: “Well, why don’t you bathe, baby, while this hot man turns on some music?” Sitting together in a sensual and slippery bathtub. For fifteen minutes he would have given his erectile medication time to start work and would have allowed him to feel calm, connected and safe.
Mariana snuggles up near her husband Rick early in the morning and kisses her neck. Without saying a word, Rick gets out of bed to go to the bathroom and then starts showering for his morning routine.
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Rick, still angry at his night fight, was not ready to compensate even though he recognized Mariana’s overture as an attempt to reconnect. Instead of completely ignoring Mariana’s offer (and leaving him feeling completely rejected), Rick could have said directly: “I’m still upset about last night; I don’t want sex until we end that conversation.”
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A sexual offer at the wrong time can make us feel uncomfortable. But, with a clear explanation about our needs and peace of mind about your convenience and our commitment to your sexual needs, we can turn to our partner.
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